Well it has taken me quite some time to get to the point
that I could make myself post Connor’s birth story. I have managed to tell
several people, mostly healthcare providers, though it is difficult. Most are
stunned and do not envy me whatsoever. I know that difficulty stems partly
because it was a tough experience, partly because nothing went as planned, and
mostly because I have been enjoying nearly the past two weeks enjoying my time
with baby boy and his daddy and sitting behind a computer typing has been the last
thing on my mind. This means that unfortunately I have not recorded much about
your first 16 days outside the womb. But you know what? Those memories are
engrained in my brain and that is what matters the most. I’m not spot on with
times and etc. because a lot of the actual labor and delivery stuff was a total
blur. (forgive my lack of use of creative writing like I would usually use but
I would rather spend the time with my baby and also working on grad school
homework).
*tiny bit of background*---I am obviously a redhead and
therefore a “bleeder”. Every surgery I have had has had complications because
of my bleeding tendencies. We planned on natural childbirth and I was set on it
actually. Natural would decrease the possibility of cesarean drastically. I
wasn’t afraid of surgery but more so about the additional risks imposed by my
body.
Alas, the story of Connor’s birth:
Sunday, October 28th. I’m not that far overdue and honestly not too
miserable. My legs and ankles are getting more swollen but I make sure to rest
and elevate them a lot so it could be worse. Today I just felt ‘different.’
Chad and I were both wrong last week with our predictions for Connor's birth. Yep,
woke up pregnant still.
Monday, October 29th.
Morning: Hurricane Sandy is set to hit the NorthEast coast
tonight. We got some stuff together to be on the safe side in the event of
power outage. We would not be surprised if I went into labor tonight and we
joke as such.
Afternoon: Chad and I went to target to get some last minute
baby things. I keep getting weird little pains low in my belly. I really didn’t
think much about it but did notice that I slowed down a bit each time one came.
I didn’t say much about them to anyone because I didn’t want to set off false
alarms.
Evening: Oh…ya….those are contractions…and about 7pm I was
able to start timing them. They really aren’t bad at all but I let baby's grandma
Deby know just in case. She and Cody came down late this evening because we had
a feeling we would be meeting baby boy sometime tomorrow. I also called Ami (my
doula) to let her know.
Tuesday, October 30th.
I didn’t sleep much at all last night and spent most of the
time in the tub, glider rocker in the nursery, and tried to sleep in bed a few
times. By 330am the contractions were anywhere from 3-6 minutes apart so I
called the midwife. She said I still sounded pretty good and in not too much
distress so to try to relax awhile longer and she would call me at 8am.
8am: Becky called and there hasn’t been much change. She
said that it wouldn’t hurt to come in about 10am (to St. Ann’s). Ami arrived to
help me do some positioning in the event baby was occiput posterior. She also coached
me through some of the toughest contractions. So far I think I’m still doing
pretty well.
Noonish: I’ve held out this long with the help of Ami and
Chad. But alas, I feel like we should go to the hospital and get things
checked out as I am getting insanely uncomfortable and starting to get vocal. I
know that I can still refuse pointless interventions so I am not worried about
that.
Afternoon: We arrive at St. Ann’s and are escorted to Labor
and Delivery triage. The cot is the same as they use in the ER. Ouch. They hook
me up to the monitors and say baby looks like he is doing great. It is hard for
me to lay still and get comfortable. They also come in in the meantime to do a
cervical check. Mind you I was completely closed at my last appointment. I end
up with three different people “checking” me because the first person thought I
was either totally dilated with a bulging bag of waters or closed and just
really thinned out (like paper thin). The second nurse was unsure as well. The
resident (whom was obnoxious…grrr) decided it would be smarter to do a speculum
exam. Sure enough, I was completely CLOSED even though I had been in labor
since at least Monday afternoon. Even with all my research and knowing that
cervical dilation doesn’t always mean much, I knew that I should have had at
least some progress by now. Chad, Ami, my Mom, Cody, and I went and walked
the halls of the hospital for a couple hours and had lunch at Tim Horton’s. I
had to stop for the bad contractions and boy did I get some stares (and yes I
snapped at one of those staring people). We then returned and voila!...no
change. Becky said I should go home and try to rest. Rest?! Sighhh……they wanted
to give me Ambien so I would go home and just sleep. I HATE meds like that and
hadn’t really taken much of anything, even Tylenol, my entire pregnancy. But
alas, I agreed to a half dose. Chad took me home and I went to bed.
Evening: Bam! I jumped out of bed completely confused. I
didn’t remember falling asleep and the biggest contraction yet woke me up. I
looked at the clock and a measly TWO HOURS had passed. Ugh! Now I was in some
major pain so took half a Unisom and laid back down. And….NOTHING. I took
another half…..dosed on and off for a few minutes to a half hour at a time. I
ended up spending all night sitting up in the glider and also tried the shower.
Nothing helped. Mom and Cody were still here sleeping downstairs and caring for
the dogs. I about lost my bearings and was bawling at about 4am and woke up Chad.
His reassurance and touch was insanely helpful and helped get me by for awhile
longer. Did I mention I love that man?
Wednesday October 31st……we are thinking we are
surely going to have a Halloween baby!:
Morning: Holy crap I am still awake and beyond miserable.
Nothing is working. Ami arrives and helps me get through some more. But really,
I am feeling like something has to give. I manage to eat something light and we
all head to the hospital about 10am.
Afternoon: Baby is still doing great on the monitor. I get
my dreaded cervical check andddddd…..NO CHANGE. What?!
I’ve been in labor for DAYS now! I am now moaning and writhing on the
triage cart because holding still is the WORST thing for my pain. I am in total
disbelief. I’m confused….angry….but trying to remember from Bradley classes and
what not that this does happen to moms sometime. But I can’t shake the feeling
that something just isn’t quite right. Grandma Deby says they should do an
ultrasound because something doesn’t feel right to her either. (Spidey senses I
call it). The annoying resident does a quick ultrasound and says that baby is
occiput anterior so positioning isn’t the issue. I speak to Emily (midwife) on
the phone. She says we yet again have two options: go home with Ambien again
or….the dreaded….against everything I have stood for during this
pregnancy….PITOCIN. Chad and I agree that there would be no way I would
rest at home, at least not for long, regardless of how much ambien I would
have. We then agree to augmentation because it has been so long. We also
thought to ourselves that if I went home I would again be so exhausted that I
eventually would not be able to push and there would surely be interventions
for that too that could also lead to c-section. We were stuck between a rock
and a hard place.
Evening: I labor….and labor…..on pitocin for what feels like
forever. They bump it up every HOUR. Needless to say, the contractions become
worse. I didn’t think they could get worse! Relaxing and keeping cool is
becoming increasingly difficult. Ami is beyond priceless in helping me cope. Chad
is great too. The day shift nurse was personality-less and useless. The night
shift nurse (Chris) was GREAT and her, Ami, and Chad were a great team in
helping me. Mom and Cody are still here but mostly in the waiting room. Neither
one can tolerate seeing me in pain very well. I try to eat but that doesn’t
prove to be a fruitful effort. This will later be a major regret. I finally listen to Ami and try the shower.
For the first time I get some relief and am actually able to hold somewhat of a
conversation. I feel like I was in there forever. I then try the tub. Chad
turned on some music for me and I was set for awhile. Meanwhile the tub jets
kept coming on with increasing intensity per their own will which was spooky
and weird. At least they felt decent I guess. Before long the tub seemed to be
making my contractions worse. I think sometime in this whole amount of time I
was taken off of the pitocin and that is probably why I felt better. *Sigh* I
eventually dilate to 1cm. Really? 1cm?! At this point I really am not all that
surprised. Emily decides to insert a foley bulb to aid dilation. Laying down to get
it in is god awful. As a matter of fact, position changes had set off
contractions my entire labor so laying down in bed was horrible. When she put
the foley bulb in there was a POP! My water broke……and there was meconium in
it. Great, baby was in distress (hence my gut instinct yet again coming into
play). The foley did help dilate me to 3-4cm. By sometime after midnight I
asked for the second thing I said I would NEVER do….asked for the epidural. At
that point I didn’t care what anyone said, including my doula. I was getting it
although I was thinking to myself that I did not want it and this made me cry
even more. It wasn’t horrible going in at all. Sitting still to get it is
horrible especially with Pitocin-induced contractions back to back (I wasn’t
getting a break from them at this point…hence the epidural). It wasn’t long and
I was in bed, hooked up to the monitors, and resting. Actually, everyone rested
in the chairs in the room. Finally, sleep. I was, however, woke up frequently
by the nurse. I was put oxygen several times. Baby was not tolerating the
pitocin. Then I became tachycardic…..then a fever. Oh my god, everything was
happening per my greatest fears……the fears that had made me want natural
childbirth so bad. I had drug Chad through hours and hours of my rambling about
all of this as well as terribly annoying Bradley classes for months! I could
only lay on my back and right side. The baby’s heart rate dipped when I was on
my left side (fortunately I could still feel a lot with the epidural and could
move and even knew when I was having contractions so I didn’t feel totally
helpless). The nurse had to turn the pitocin off, then back on, then give me
fluids, then more fluids. With the epidural I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink.
Ice chips only. The nausea was overwhelming and made me even more miserable.
Ugh.
Thursday, November 1st.
Morning: Officially not gonna be a Halloween baby. The days
and times are all mush in my brain now. I barely had a clue what was going on
because I was so delirious from discomfort and exhaustion. I do remember being
told that I had finally made it to 7cm! I was in disbelief.
Afternoon: Next thing I know I am being told that my cervix
is swelling. I am no longer 7cm and babies head is swelling as well. I had said
it to my doula hours earlier….I was going to have to be sliced like a
f*$@ing pig……after all of this time in
labor and essentially feeling tortured.
Sure enough, the midwife said she felt I needed a cesarean. My doula
reminded me that my midwife (the practice I went to is very pro-natural
childbirth) would never recommend it if it wasn’t truly needed. I am
overwhelmed with emotion although I saw it coming. I won’t go into all of the
emotions here that I felt but the most prominent one was guilt. I felt horrible
for putting everyone through all the days of labor and my torment. I felt
horrible that I would depend on Chad post-op although I knew he would gladly do
what he could for me. I feared he would resent me. But alas…..
I still had the measly epidural that I could still feel a
lot with. It was bumped up some but I still had more sensation than I would
have wanted to have. I was wheeled to the OR at around 3pm. Chad came in not
long later. The nurse anesthetist was very nice and had a sense of humor. I was
grateful for that. I know I was rather vocal during the surgery because I felt
so much….the discomfort was unbelievable. (Research shows that redheads require
a lot of anesthesia…ya well….it is true so with what I got I was feeling like I
was being ripped apart). Chad did his best to keep me calm. Emily took pictures
during the whole ordeal which I appreciated later. They turned out great. At
3:33pm Connor came out screaming his head off. The NICU team wasn’t needed
which was a huge relief. Past my tears I could see that he was a big boy and
absolutely stunning. He blew my mind the moment I saw him. I could tell that
Daddy and I were instantly in love. The nurse anesthetist told me he was going
to give me something to help me rest after surgery. I later found out he gave
me Fentanyl and Versed. I was completely snowed! I woke up on and off in
recovery but couldn’t really communicate with anyone. I finally got to wake up
and feel somewhat human (after vomiting and Chad cleaning me up without batting
an eye….that man is amazing) around 9pm. I had missed all of that precious time
with my baby. It broke my heart. I felt robbed.
However as soon as he was in my arms again everything felt
right….we had worked hard to bring this baby into the world and under unusual
circumstances. He was healthy and beyond beautiful and so big! We both had to
get IV antibiotics for a few days. Post-partum and breast feeding and etc. was
a fiasco in itself including horrible supply (blood loss plus my breast reduction)
and I had horrible edema from my feet up to my hips from all of the fluids I
was given) but we are home. We are happy. I’m coping with all that happened. I
know that it was me that agreed to interventions but I also know that he wasn’t
coming out without intervention (we later found out he had flipped occiput
posterior…sunny side up…so add his size to that and ya, it was gonna to be
rough either way). Daddy and I could not possibly be any more in love with this
sweet beautiful boy. Welcome to the world our amazing Connor Legend. You have
already defied odds and kept me on my toes and I’m so grateful already for how
you have changed my life.
